Whatever I Feel LikeGosh!

An Open Letter to the Girl Who Rear-Ended Me

As I sit here at 4:00 in the morning, awake from another all-night neck injury induced migraine, I wonder if you think about how you affected my life with your act of carelessness over 14 months ago. Do you ever just stop short and wonder whatever happened to the woman you crashed into? Does the accident play over and over in your mind like it does mine? Do you have a fear of red lights or when traffic stops suddenly that you’ll plow into the back of another unsuspecting motorist?

Do you wonder if I have spent months going to Physical Therapy, Chiropractors, Orthopedists, pain management specialists, and Acupuncturists? I hope so, because the answer is yes, indeed, I have spent hours and hours of my time going from one doctor to another trying to find relief from my pain.

Do you wonder if I have been in non-stop pain since the day you hit me? I hope so, because the answer is yes, I forget what life is like without pain of some sort except for those few blissful moments when the painkillers are doing their job.

Do you wonder if my husband & kids have been affected because of my injuries? I hope so, because they’ve had to deal with my diminished capacity for doing certain physical tasks around the house, my crankiness due to being in pain, and also have taken on the role of caregiver after getting cervical spine injections.

Do you wonder if my job has been affected due to having to take off for continuous doctor’s appointments? I hope so, because it has. Thankfully I have a very understanding and supportive boss, but what if I didn’t?

Or do you continue on with your life as if nothing happened? Was I just a small blip on your radar screen?

The past 14 months have been hell for me and those close to me in various ways. Even though life is still good and I remain positive overall, it really has been hard. My life has been altered. I will never be the same even if I do eventually find relief from the pain. Sadly, I will bear the scars of this accident and long-term physical pain for the rest of my life emotionally.

And now… I continue on with another day, sleep-deprived, distracted by pain and beaten down emotionally from the strain of it all. I will put a smile on my face and do what I can, though, because I refuse to let this get the best of me. I also realize that things could have been so much worse. I’m grateful things are only as bad as they are. Truly. I have hope that I will one day know what it’s like to have pain-free days, weeks, and months again. And I hope you are out there paying attention to the road so you don’t do this to another person.

This weekend we were at Wal-Mart purchasing a new microwave. The cashier was having a hard time ringing the appliance up – every time she scanned in the bar code and serial number, the register gave her an error message. At first the cashier decided she was scanning in the wrong bar codes, so she tried different ones on the box even though the ones she were scanning were clearly labeled. It wasn’t long before she got frustrated and after each error message on the register, she’d go back to the machine and start hitting the clear button furiously. She was hitting the button so hard it apparently sent a notification to the front line supervisor who came out with a portable device in hand to remedy the situation.

The supervisor saw the cashier beating on the register and yelled out, “Nancy! Don’t hit the keys so hard! You’ll break the register.” At this point, I got the giggles. I actually spent the rest of the day periodically mimicking the supervisor by yelling out, “Nancy!!,” for no good reason. Each time, I would crack up laughing at the incongruity of the whole situation at the store earlier.

The next day, though, it dawned on me: I’ve certainly been guilty of “being a Nancy” in the past. It’s easy to see where I’ve used brute physical force repeatedly in misguided attempts to make something work. I’m not the most mechanically-inclined person in the world, so I’ve definitely had my share of those actions. But there are other emotional behaviors I saw paralleled when I took time to reflect on a deeper level.

The main idea, of course, is the whole definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. How many times have I tried a diet thinking this was the one that was going to work? How many times have I tried to change people by repeatedly saying the same things to them? How many times have I procrastinated, telling myself that it would be no big deal to get it done later? Lots and lots and lots of times. Thankfully I’m engaging in those behaviors less and less these days and my life is being restored to sanity.

As an outsider, it was easy to see Nancy’s behavior as insane. She clearly was not going to get a different result the next time she scanned both bar codes then went to her register to abuse the keyboard again. I’m not sure how much longer she would have kept trying the same method if a supervisor didn’t intervene, but I think she would have stopped and reassessed the situation to think of a new solution before long.

It’s not as easy to see when we’re engaging in this type of insane behavior emotionally, though. Especially when we’re the ones doing it. I can spot this pattern pretty quickly in others, but not always immediately in myself. It’s not fun or easy to notice ugly behaviors about ourselves – and I think that prevents a lot of honest self-appraisal. Who wants to admit they’re participating in emotional insanity? It’s not usually one of my favorite things to do. Thinking about the metaphor of Nancy banging on the cash register, though, makes it a bit easier for me to admit my own faults. I can catch myself trying to control someone through my words or actions and then visualize Nancy attacking her machine to make me smile. For me, it’s a kinder, gentler – yet powerful – way to remind myself to take a step back.

Today’s lesson for me is: Don’t Be A Nancy. I want to recognize when I’m trying to force an outcome or repeating a behavior that is clearly not beneficial to me or anyone else. I don’t want a “supervisor” to have to come and correct my actions, so I’m going to hold the Nancy image close to my heart as a loving reminder lesson.

I am having a hard time understanding the hype around this swine flu thing. As far as I can tell, it’s not killing everyone in its path and those who contract it are getting about as sick as they would from the regular flu. The regular flu is more deadly as far as percentages go – so why are we all panicked? What am I missing here?

Seeing the news reports of schools and businesses closing is just craziness to me. Is swine flu more contagious than regular flu? Maybe it’s an issue of us not having enough natural immunity to this virus compared to others?

Rob & I are scheduled to go on a trip to New Mexico leaving tomorrow. He was just told he might have to cancel his trip because his company might be closing down their call center in SE Texas on the Mexican border. WTF?

I’m a little concerned about getting on a plane with this virus floating around, but I plan to practice general rules of hygiene safety by washing my hands frequently and using hand sanitizer through out the day. I’m wondering how many people are going to show up for the flight with face masks.

Hopefully we will look back on this period in a few years time and laugh at ourselves and the ridiculousness of our reactions. I mean, seriously.

Last year a robin family built a nest in a bush right next to our front door. The mama robin laid eggs and we got to see the babies every day when they hatched. It was one of the highlights of our spring.

Last week the robin family came back and built up the nest they left behind and laid 4 eggs in it. Every day I’d wake up and look out the door or window and smile to see the mama robin sitting on the eggs. I’d do the same when I got home from work, watching the mama fly away as I got close to the bush to walk in the door. I was getting super excited about the birth of 4 little robins!

Two days ago I came home from work and noticed a few robins in the side yard, but no mama was in the nest. I sensed that the robins in the yard were in distress, but I thought they were just warning the mama that I’d be getting close to the nest. When I walked up to the bush and looked into the nest, though, I saw that all four eggs were gone. I was horrified and saddened.

I went back and checked the nest and area a few times, trying to discern what happened. I saw a few very small pieces of the egg shell in the nest and on the ground, but not much at all really. Definitely nothing incriminating or tell-tale. If it was my first look in the nest, I would have assumed the mama had yet to lay her eggs.

When I got home from work yesterday, I noticed my front yard was filled with feathers. It looked like a major fight had gone down right on my front lawn. I stood there, once again horrified, thinking that if I stood there long enough, I’d get a vision of what happened while I was at work. Of course that didn’t happen and I was left to wonder what sort of drama is going on with the wildlife outside my front door while I’m 38 miles away each day.

Some might say I’m putting way too much thought and energy into this whole thing, but I seriously considered going to poll the neighbors about suspicious wildlife activity in our yard. I feel like putting all the detecting skills I’ve collected from reading mysteries my entire life to good use and tracking down the killer of my robin family. I saw no robins at all in my yard when I came home today. I’m not sure if the whole lot of them up and left for safer nesting grounds or if they’re just keeping a low profile after the family massacre or what. Either case is distressing to me.

I know this is nature and its survival of the fittest and all that, but I’m still upset about the loss of my baby robins and most likely at least one adult member of their family, too.

Right now our prime suspect is a hawk since we have quite a few of them in the area. Are there any bird and/or wildlife specialists out there who’d like to weigh in with their opinion? I need to direct my mean thoughts accordingly.

I’m dusting off the ole blog here to acknowledge an important milestone. Today I celebrate 7 years of sobriety and freedom from compulsive over/under eating. When I started on this journey 7 years ago, I had no idea how much my life would change for the better. The only thing I knew was that I couldn’t stop eating and gaining weight and that I needed help.

I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to maintain a program of recovery to keep abstaining from all those sick behaviors I engaged in for so many years. I’ve got a very powerful Higher Power and an incredible network of friends who are walking this path with me. Together, we’ve all made it possible.

I treated myself with extra care today just as a way to commemorate and also as a reminder that today I need to always practice self care. Here’s a list of things I did:

• Finally broke out that Free Drink card at Starbucks on my way to work – Decaf Venti Americano, baby!
• Prayed and read from my daily meditation book
• Savored my breakfast and lunch, relishing how much I truly do enjoy the tastes of my nutritious food
• Brewed myself some Seattle’s Best Organic Twilight Decaf in the French press this afternoon (apparently coffee is a treat for me!)
• Called someone who is struggling with alcohol on my way home from work
• Made dinner for me and the boys (Rob had to work late) and enjoyed the dinner conversation with them
• Made breakfast for Rob & I for the last day of the week (we did 4 days already on Sunday)
• Packed my breakfast and lunch for work tomorrow
• Took a long, long, long hot shower
• Gave myself a hot oil treatment on my hair
• Put my pajamas in the dryer before putting them on. Bliss.
• Slathered moisturizer on my face & neck
• Loved on my doggie

I also plan on taking myself to bed early to read a bit before going to sleep because I need to get up earlier than normal.

Here’s to another 7+ years of continued recovery from alcoholism and compulsive eating… and all the rewards that come with those things. I never knew life could be so happy, joyous, and free!