Whatever I Feel Like

I used Superglue to fix the hearing aide. Hopefully it lasts for a while. In the mean time, I need to compile a list of hearing aide specialists in the area and start comparison shopping. Fun!

Tonight was the first parent orientation at the JUNIOR HIGH. I can not believe that I have a child that is going into 7th grade next school year. How in the world did he grow so fast? And how am I getting so darn old? Last night Connor was drinking from a coffee mug that I got for my 30th birthday, so it’s got “the Big 3-0″ on it and he asked whose it was. I sort of gasped and said, “Oh my goodness. Mine. And how the heck has it been almost 6 years since my 30th birthday party?! That was like… a year or two ago!” I am not doing this growing old thing very gracefully. It’s painful!

Sitting in the auditorium tonight listening to the teachers, administrators and students talk about Junior High life got me super emotional. I had to fight back the tears and I looked around. Was anyone else feeling like this? Why does everyone else seem to be taking this in such stride? This is hard stuff for me, people! When we had to leave the auditorium to walk to another area, I felt like we were all changing classes… we were all high school students. We could be high school students, right? After all, everyone else looked about my age and I still feel like I could be in high school.

I asked my mom if she felt this way when we were growing up, because it sure didn’t seem like she felt this way. She seemd to accept the part of mother to teenagers very naturally, as if she was ready for it. As if this was just the next natural step in the progression of life. But, maybe that was just my perception and maybe she did feel out of sorts the way I feel right now. Maybe I wasn’t really noticing or caring about her feelings too much in the midst of all my teenage angst. Mom tells me that it didn’t bother her – so my self-absorbed teenage self was still perceptive enough to pick up correctly on that. I wonder what it is that helps some people accept the aging process with dignity and grace … and leaves others kicking and screaming?

I tell you what, though, I’ve got to get a handle on myself or these next few years are going to be brutal. I just don’t want to admit that I’m closer to 40 than 30… hell, that I’m even in my 30′s bothers me. I honestly still feel like I’m about 24-25 years old on a mature day and about 16-17 on a not-so-mature day. And besides just how I feel inside – I look damn good, too! :-)

I think the thing that is really underneath all of this, though, is the reality that we’re all mortal. The farther I get from being that kid who is walking the halls of the junior high, the closer I get to that big unknown. And the closer my parents get there, too. The thought of losing them scares and saddens me. The thought of life on this earth ending does, too. Maybe because I don’t know what comes after this? But I like this so much, I want it to last forever. Ahhhhhhhh…. and once again, the answer is always – more spiritual development.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 30th, 2006 at 9:26 pm and is filed under Mundane, Parenting Skills. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.