As I sit here at 4:00 in the morning, awake from another all-night neck injury induced migraine, I wonder if you think about how you affected my life with your act of carelessness over 14 months ago. Do you ever just stop short and wonder whatever happened to the woman you crashed into? Does the accident play over and over in your mind like it does mine? Do you have a fear of red lights or when traffic stops suddenly that you’ll plow into the back of another unsuspecting motorist?

Do you wonder if I have spent months going to Physical Therapy, Chiropractors, Orthopedists, pain management specialists, and Acupuncturists? I hope so, because the answer is yes, indeed, I have spent hours and hours of my time going from one doctor to another trying to find relief from my pain.

Do you wonder if I have been in non-stop pain since the day you hit me? I hope so, because the answer is yes, I forget what life is like without pain of some sort except for those few blissful moments when the painkillers are doing their job.

Do you wonder if my husband & kids have been affected because of my injuries? I hope so, because they’ve had to deal with my diminished capacity for doing certain physical tasks around the house, my crankiness due to being in pain, and also have taken on the role of caregiver after getting cervical spine injections.

Do you wonder if my job has been affected due to having to take off for continuous doctor’s appointments? I hope so, because it has. Thankfully I have a very understanding and supportive boss, but what if I didn’t?

Or do you continue on with your life as if nothing happened? Was I just a small blip on your radar screen?

The past 14 months have been hell for me and those close to me in various ways. Even though life is still good and I remain positive overall, it really has been hard. My life has been altered. I will never be the same even if I do eventually find relief from the pain. Sadly, I will bear the scars of this accident and long-term physical pain for the rest of my life emotionally.

And now… I continue on with another day, sleep-deprived, distracted by pain and beaten down emotionally from the strain of it all. I will put a smile on my face and do what I can, though, because I refuse to let this get the best of me. I also realize that things could have been so much worse. I’m grateful things are only as bad as they are. Truly. I have hope that I will one day know what it’s like to have pain-free days, weeks, and months again. And I hope you are out there paying attention to the road so you don’t do this to another person.

Seeing the news reports of schools and businesses closing is just craziness to me. Is swine flu more contagious than regular flu? Maybe it’s an issue of us not having enough natural immunity to this virus compared to others?

Rob & I are scheduled to go on a trip to New Mexico leaving tomorrow. He was just told he might have to cancel his trip because his company might be closing down their call center in SE Texas on the Mexican border. WTF?

I’m a little concerned about getting on a plane with this virus floating around, but I plan to practice general rules of hygiene safety by washing my hands frequently and using hand sanitizer through out the day. I’m wondering how many people are going to show up for the flight with face masks.

Hopefully we will look back on this period in a few years time and laugh at ourselves and the ridiculousness of our reactions. I mean, seriously.

Mama Robin and babies

Last week the robin family came back and built up the nest they left behind and laid 4 eggs in it. Every day I’d wake up and look out the door or window and smile to see the mama robin sitting on the eggs. I’d do the same when I got home from work, watching the mama fly away as I got close to the bush to walk in the door. I was getting super excited about the birth of 4 little robins!

Two days ago I came home from work and noticed a few robins in the side yard, but no mama was in the nest. I sensed that the robins in the yard were in distress, but I thought they were just warning the mama that I’d be getting close to the nest. When I walked up to the bush and looked into the nest, though, I saw that all four eggs were gone. I was horrified and saddened.

I went back and checked the nest and area a few times, trying to discern what happened. I saw a few very small pieces of the egg shell in the nest and on the ground, but not much at all really. Definitely nothing incriminating or tell-tale. If it was my first look in the nest, I would have assumed the mama had yet to lay her eggs.

When I got home from work yesterday, I noticed my front yard was filled with feathers. It looked like a major fight had gone down right on my front lawn. I stood there, once again horrified, thinking that if I stood there long enough, I’d get a vision of what happened while I was at work. Of course that didn’t happen and I was left to wonder what sort of drama is going on with the wildlife outside my front door while I’m 38 miles away each day.

Some might say I’m putting way too much thought and energy into this whole thing, but I seriously considered going to poll the neighbors about suspicious wildlife activity in our yard. I feel like putting all the detecting skills I’ve collected from reading mysteries my entire life to good use and tracking down the killer of my robin family. I saw no robins at all in my yard when I came home today. I’m not sure if the whole lot of them up and left for safer nesting grounds or if they’re just keeping a low profile after the family massacre or what. Either case is distressing to me.

I know this is nature and its survival of the fittest and all that, but I’m still upset about the loss of my baby robins and most likely at least one adult member of their family, too.

Right now our prime suspect is a hawk since we have quite a few of them in the area. Are there any bird and/or wildlife specialists out there who’d like to weigh in with their opinion? I need to direct my mean thoughts accordingly.

Rob and I have had an ongoing disagreement for months (years?) about this one issue and I think it’s taken him being away for a week for me to see things his way. Rob insists that the boys do not do enough around the house as far as cleaning up after themselves, lending a helping hand and pitching in when needed. I’ve maintained that they are only kids once and that as a kid I was messy and self-centered, etc., too.

This week, though, I reached my breaking point. I think things have been exacerbated because I had to go away for two weekends in a row and Rob was gone the entire time (I’m also realizing just how much Rob does around here!). The kids did not help me out one little bit. Even their normal chores were ignored until they were told repeatedly to get them done. I’ve long been a fan (in theory, at least) of saying something once and then if it’s not done dishing out consequences. I haven’t been so good with following my own advice/beliefs this week. It’s been rough just trying to take care of everything I need to for myself – between work, physical therapy, and meetings, and going away twice, I’ve been pretty swamped. Throw in the pets, taking care of my food, packing, laundry, dishes, and keeping the house kept up all on my own with virtually no help from the kids (who, by the way were busy making more messes) and you’ve got one worn out, pissed off, frazzled Amy.

Something happened on Friday, though, that absolutely pushed me over the edge. I packed my suitcase for my trip and told the boys to do the same. Even though they were told to pack on Thursday, they both chose to do so on Friday. That was a battle I decided I didn’t want to fight. I figured if they didn’t have their bags packed by the time we needed to leave on Friday, they’d wear the same clothes all weekend. So. On Wednesday and Thursday I had the boys do their own laundry (I’m dealing with the after-effects of that tonight – but that’s another story) and Aric’s clothes were still mostly in the laundry room on Friday. There was a suitcase sitting on top of Grace’s kennel in the laundry room that I used to pack my stuff in. After I was all packed up, I took the suitcase and placed it in the front hallway close to the door.

When Aric finally decided to pack his bag, he came storming downstairs in a huff wanting to know why I used the suitcase in the laundry room. He had that particular suitcase ready to go for his stuff, he tells me. I guess his plan was to pack his bag directly in the laundry room. I let him know that he didn’t really need a suitcase to go to his grandmother’s house for 2 days, but he was pretty adamant. I knew there were other suitcases so if he wanted to use one of those, he was free to do so.

Not too long after his bag was packed, I told him and Connor to load up the car with their belongings. When I came upstairs I noticed my suitcase was no longer in the hallway. I was pleasantly surprised. Aric packed my suitcase, too?! That was definitely unexpected. I mentally patted myself on the back for raising such a courteous young man who knew how to take care of his mother while his father was gone even if he was mad at her.

We drove over to my parents’ house and I had the boys unload the car of their belongings. Once they were done, I went to check that they had everything and noticed there were no suitcases in the car at all. My suitcase was not there.

“Where’s my suitcase?,” I cried to both boys as they stood staring at me slack-jawed on the curb.

Both shrugged their shoulders and said, “I dunno,” as they walked into the house, my dad trailing behind them shaking his head.

So here I had a 3 hour trip ahead of me that just grew by another 30-45 minutes. Even better – it was now ominously close to rush hour. I left without saying goodbye. When I got back to the house, I found my suitcase thrown haphazardly on the laundry room floor. That little shit. I spent the weekend nursing a resentment against both of them. And for the first time ever, I was away from the boys overnight and I did not miss them. Not even a little bit.

I know Rob is feeling frustrated since he’s 2,500 miles away and can’t help me out. However, I bet he’s also almost grateful that I’m going through this pain because it’s propelling me to change. My views towards the boys and their lack of contribution to the household has done a complete 180… and my actions are right behind. No more Mrs. Nice Mommy. I’m also looking forward to being more on the same page as Rob with this. I hated that there was a chasm between us whenever this issue arose, but I honestly didn’t feel their behaviors were a problem. I guess I needed to deal with them on my own for a while to truly see.

My boys are good kids, don’t get me wrong, but they sure are self-centered, lazy, and slovenly. I don’t know if changing how I parent them will change them internally; I’m hoping that they can act themselves into right thinking where this is concerned by me forcing their hand with their actions. And if they don’t, at least there’s more peace between Rob and I – and less work!

Tomorrow is Aric’s birthday. Thankfully we already had his party, but I still want to make his day special some how. I have a sign to put up so he’ll see that in the morning. Still need to do that.

Tonight I got home from work and Aric wanted to go out to eat. I already had plans to get to the grocery store – oh crap! I have chicken to go into the crock pot tonight that I forgot about until now! – so we went to dinner then the grocery store. By the time we got home, it was 7:30. I put the groceries away and then came down to the computer to write my weekly post on the Pure Amazing Race blog. Then I had to write an agenda for a committee I’m chairing at the Assembly I’m attending this weekend. And now I’m taking 2 minutes to write this. Why? It’s close to 10pm and I clearly have no time.

Calgon take me away!

I’m trying hard to remember to be grateful. After all, we’ve still been okay financially and despite recent circumstances, our health has been good. We haven’t lost anyone too close to us. We all still have each other and our love. But right now, in this minute, the self-pity is definitely taking over. I thought we “deserved” this vacation after the year we’ve had and it’s turned out to be a big disappointment. The kids and Rob have had a better time because they weren’t relegated to the room/beach with a neck support on while we had terrific weather.

Well, I’m going to try to make the most of the day here. I think we’ll head to the mall. Rob just did laundry and put colors in with whites and turned my white capri pants pink (awesome!), so maybe I’ll get a new pair. I also need a pedicure, so perhaps I can treat myself later today. I just hope they don’t cut off my toe or something. Oh wait, I’m supposed to be thinking positive. Apparently I still need some work on that.

My neck and shoulders were in some pretty intense pain by the time we finally arrived, though. I succumbed to tears a few times on the ride down. The pain and visions of a vacation with limited activity really started to get to me. When we went to the grocery store after arriving, my dad showed me a neck support with an enclosed hot/cold gel pack that he thought would be perfect for me. He was right – this thing made such a difference in my comfort level. Since the muscles in my entire neck took a beating, I needed the support in a bad way. I was finally able to lie down on the bed after strapping this puppy on – bliss.

Yesterday the whole family sans me and Connor went down to the beach. Rob, Aric, and my dad had a blast in the water. My mom did her usual sunbathing thing. Around noon I couldn’t take it any more. I threw my bathing suit on and told Connor to accompany me down to the beach. I was able to walk into the ocean up to my ankles, but that was it. I am usually the girl who is in the water the entire day, diving into each wave as it hits. There’s not much more I enjoy in the entire world than frolicking in the ocean. Standing there at the shoreline watching the other people taking my place in the water just about broke my heart.

I didn’t stay at the beach long since it was close to lunch time by the time I made it down there. All six of us made our way back up to the condo for lunch followed by naps for almost the entire crew. Apparently the undertow and rip currents were really strong in the water, and the three guys got really beat up out there.

While everyone napped and Connor Facebooked, Aric and I went for a walk. I was determined to not stay cooped up in the room, pain be damned. We walked for about a half mile and stopped at Starbucks. We hit a couple other stores including the most awesome health food store I’ve ever visited in my life, and then headed back to our place because the pain was starting to become unbearable. We were gone for an hour and I had to do some major icing on my shoulders, back, and neck when we returned.

We decided ahead of time that we were going to eat most of our meals in on this trip to save money. It’s amazing how fast the dining out bills add up when you’re on vacation. So I prepared a menu for the week prior to the trip. Sunday’s planned dinner was baked ziti, garlic bread, and salad for the family. (I had my “abstinent pizza” recipe.) It was fun to all pitch in making our meals. Dad cooked breakfast, I prepared lunch, and Rob made dinner. After dinner, we all went out walking on Atlantic Ave and the boardwalk. I wore my neck brace this time – there was no way I was going to make it very far without it. We saw and heard some great street musicians, as usual, did some light shopping, stopped at Dairy Queen, and rode the Wave back to our condo. Once there, we watched fireworks over the ocean from our balcony.

Right now, Rob, Aric, and my parents are out on the Rudee Rocket boat ride. Connor didn’t want to go and I couldn’t go because of my injuries. I’m not sure what the rest of the day holds.

All in all, not a terrible time – but I’m fighting feelings of depression because of my physical limitations. I’m just not used to being restricted like this. I’m determined to not let it get me down, though, and to enjoy this trip as much as I possibly can.

The car that hit me was a 1995 Maxima. I’m not sure what value it holds, but I think there’s a good chance that car might be totalled from the looks of it.

I’m extremely sore today. It’s hard to move my neck from side to side and there’s just general achiness throughout my neck, shoulders, and upper back area. :-( I hope I’m not too uncomfortable for the car ride down to Virginia Beach. I’ll be stocked with my medicine and ice packs, that’s for sure!

This morning Rob and I were on our way (in separate cars) to the car dealership to get my car serviced. We wanted to make sure it was in top shape for our trip to Virginia Beach. Oh, the irony. So I was stopped at a red light minding my business when all of the sudden – BOOM!! I was hit from behind by a car going a pretty high rate of speed, judging from the force of the impact. I yelled out, “WHAT THE FUCK?” and then my car was hit again. Both times caused me to hit a Dodge 2500 4×4 truck that was also stopped at the light in front of me. I’m not exactly sure how the second hit happened – possibly the car behind me hit and bounced back and then hit again. It’s funny to me that my first reaction was definitely anger. I was shocked and pissed. I kept saying, “Are you kidding me? What the hell?” and generally sat there in stunned disbelief for about 30 seconds.

It dawned on me that my CD player was still playing the Bob Newhart audio book I was listening to (shut up – he’s funny!), so I turned that off and began to check out my surroundings as I pulled my cell phone out to call Rob (he took another way) and 911. The driver from the car in front of me was the first out of his vehicle. He walked to the car behind me and then stopped at my car. I rolled down my window and he asked if I was okay. By this time the top of my neck and base of my skull was in pain and throbbing. I told him I was okay, but that my neck was really hurting. He told me the other driver said her brakes failed. I think my head hit the head rest and bounced a couple times, but I don’t have a clear recollection of that happening. Everything happened so fast and it was completely unexpected. I wasn’t looking in my rear view mirror, so I had no idea I was about to get hit.

Shortly after the first driver approached my car, the driver from behind came up to my car and asked if I was okay. She apologized and reiterated what the first driver said about her brakes failing. During this time, I was on the phone with the 911 dispatcher and she told me they would send an ambulance since I was in pain. I wasn’t sure I needed all that, but she said they should do it as a precautionary measure. We also noticed that the car behind me was smoking, so the driver of the truck moved up so I could do the same in case the car in the rear caught on fire. When I started my car, my engine made all sorts of protesting grinding noises. It was then that I realized the damage to my car was pretty extensive.

Rob and the cops showed up at the same time. By this time I was openly crying – both from pain and from the emotions of it all. I was pretty shaken up. I also noticed that my left shoulder was in a great deal of pain, too. The cops were very fast to take over the scene. One cop cradled the back of my head, not allowing me to move it. Rob took my purse and sunglasses for me over to his car. The next thing I knew, EMT workers were surrounding me, encasing my head in a neck brace and then moving me out of my car on a stretcher. It was all highly dramatic. I didn’t think I needed the intense level of treatment, but knew that my protestations at that point would not have mattered. They carried me onto the stretcher and wheeled me into the ambulance, almost going into traffic to do so. Someone asked the guy pushing me if he should stop traffic so we wouldn’t get hit. He answered that he had his vest on, so he was safe. Uh, hello? Not funny.

The ride to the hospital in the ambulance was surreal and dizzying. I don’t do well lying flat on my back normally – it can cause my head to spin pretty fast – and today was no exception. The EMT guy was able to prop me up slightly and that helped. Once at the hospital, I was taken to a private room and placed on a bed. They told me I needed to get undressed and into a hospital gown. I was like, “Are you kidding me?”, but was actually just relieved to not be taped and strapped down to the gurney any longer. Rob arrived just as I was getting changed, and I was so relieved to see him.

A host of hospital employees came in to take my information and vitals and the doctor ordered x-rays after doing a physical exam. The x-rays showed that my issue was muscular and I was free to go with orders to keep ice on both areas and with a prescription for 800 mg Motrin.

There’s other stuff, too, but this has taken me about 15 minutes to type up and I need to get going to pick up a rental car. I’ll try to come back later to write out the rest of the details – mostly so I’ll have a written record of everything.

Right now we don’t know the status of my car. I’m hoping they declare it totalled because there is so much they will need to repair. I’d also like to get a car that gets better gas mileage, so it would be sweet if this unfortunate incident afforded me that opportunity. We just need to wait and see for right now.

More later.

ETA: The lady who said her brakes failed? Yeah, not so much. The auto body shop where both of our cars were towed to said they tested her car and there was nothing wrong with the brakes at all. Oh well – it doesn’t matter to me so much because she’s at fault either way. Her insurance is already lined up to pay for my car repair and rental. (The car is not totalled.)