Archive for the ‘MeMeMeMe!’ Category

Worth Living For

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

I’m trying out this 30 Days of Truth thing. Today is day 7. You can see where it started here.

Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.

This is a complete no-brainer: my husband, Rob.

The end.

Just kidding. Let me tell you a little about that wonderful man of mine. I have been truly blessed. I’m talking blessed beyond what most women even dream about. I don’t mean to brag – these are simply truths.

First, we have the basics: he’s gorgeous, smart, sensitive, kind, caring, a great (and I do mean GREAT!) father, a very loving & dependable son, brother, and uncle, a hard worker, a fantastic lover, an incredibly gifted musician, soft-hearted, and is just generally a good man. These are all qualities I expect from anyone who’d want to be my husband (I say, as if there’s a waiting list. ha!) – and hopefully your man meets most of them, too. But Rob does more than that.

I believe – somewhere deep in my soul – Rob loves me like no one has ever loved me. He loves me like no one will ever be capable of doing. Yes, my parents love me unconditionally and will stand by me through thick and thin; I’m blessed in the parent department, too. But, the love Rob has for me is deeper, more complex – it has so many layers and flavors and depth. He loves me as a friend. He loves me as a lover. He loves me as a mother. He loves me as a mentor. He loves me as someone who needs mentoring. He loves me when I’m weak. When I’m strong. When I’m silly. When I’m serious, mean, and nice. Rob’s love is so safe, so lasting, so reassuring, so pure.

My husband is also an inspiration. He’s gone through so many tough times in his life, and he always comes out on the other side of them a better and stronger person. I’ve seen him take a licking, but I’ve never seen him completely beaten. His strength is something to be admired. Recently he fulfilled one of his long-time dreams: hiking (part of) the Appalachian Trail. He’s wanted to do this for so long, and to see him be able to accomplish something so important to him really inspired me. He is always encouraging me to do things when I think I’m incapable of doing them and seeing him do the hard stuff helps me to see that they are possible.

Rob has truly made the last 18 years worth living for. From moving to South Dakota as two young and naive kids to having children and living overseas to transitioning out of the military and watching me walk through addiction & recovery and all the times in between, he’s been my rock. I wouldn’t want to have spent the last 18 years with anyone else and I only want to spend the rest of my years with him.

Something I Hope I Never Encounter

Friday, October 8th, 2010

I’m trying out this 30 Days of Truth thing. Today is day 6. You can see where it started here.

Day 06 — Something you hope you never have to do.

Eek. As yesterday’s post mentioned, I could probably fill this topic with pages of things. There are a lot of things I hope I never have to do – chiefly surrounding tragic events involving my family – that I don’t dare even mention.

Something that’s not quite as scary, yet still terrifying in its own right and something I hope I never have to do: tell my sponsor I relapsed. The thought of it sends shivers down my spine. I’ve even had nightmares where every detail of this scene played out in vivid, full-color detail before my dreaming eyes. I usually wake up in a panic, soaked with sweat, and filled with dread. Once I realize it was just a dream, relief floods in.

I know lots and lots of people have relapsed and lived to tell the tale. Most even share how it was the best thing that ever happened to them as it brought them to a new level of surrender and recovery. My fear is that if I go back out there – even if just briefly at first – I’ll never get back to where I was. I’m afraid that the 300-pound girl I left behind 8 1/2 years ago is just waiting for my return. Terror strikes when I think about going back to not being able to stop drinking, when my whole day consisted of nothing but thinking about how I was going to get that drink or that container of ice cream. I’m afraid the disease of addiction, once it gets its nasty claws around me again, will never let me go and I’ll be stuck in hell for the rest of my days on this earth. Dramatic? Yes. But, so painfully true.

Something I Hope to Do In Life

Thursday, October 7th, 2010

I’m trying out this 30 Days of Truth thing. Today is day 5. You can see where it started here.

Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.

Fun!

I could make this post paragraphs and paragraphs long. There are a whole lot of somethings I hope to do in my life. I’ve got a bucket list that just keeps on growing. It occurs to me that I’m 40, and that I better get moving on some of the items!

The latest idea to make my list, though, is to ride in a hot air balloon. For some reason, I never had the desire to go hundreds of feet up in the air secured only inside a bucket fueled by a hot flame. Lately I’ve been rethinking my (previously sane) position on hot air balloon rides. I want to do it! I want to experience the exhilaration and thrill. I want Connor to take amazing photographs of my brightly colored balloon against a crystal blue sky as I grow smaller and smaller in his cross-hairs, waving like a fool all the while. And I want to feel the sweet earth beneath me as I come back down to greet it, safely ensconced in my wicker basket. :-)

Forgiving Others

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010

I’m trying out this 30 Days of Truth thing. Today is day 4. You can see where it started here.

Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.

This is where it gets tricky with that whole anonymity thing I talked about in the first post of this series. I’m just not sure who is reading here and I definitely don’t want to make a tense situation worse than it already is. Let’s see how vague I can be and still get my point across.

I need to forgive someone for ignoring my kids while expecting the exact opposite behavior for their children. I know this is my issue. I know the other person is probably going about their days without this scenario even crossing their mind. If I choose to stay angry and bitter, it’s just that: my choice. But, as they say, having a resentment is like swallowing a jar of poison and expecting the other person to die. Holding onto my negativity doesn’t do a single positive thing for me. So I need to let it go and move on. And hopefully in time, I will.

Forgiving Myself

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

I’m trying out this 30 Days of Truth thing. Today is day 3. You might have noticed that it’s really day 5 or 6 from when I first posted. I decided that I most likely won’t be posting every single day, so you’ll get 30 Days of Truth, just not in 30 actual days. More like 30 Days of Truth in 90 Days. Or something. :-) You can see where it started here.

Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.

As I suspect most people who have been in a 12-Step program for some years would also say – I really don’t have a whole lot of work to do in forgiving myself any more. At least for the big stuff. I’ve made my peace. I no longer harbor ill feelings towards myself for all the grievous things I did in the past.

But, that wasn’t always true. I had to do a lot of soul-searching, writing, praying, and talking about my history. How could I forgive myself for marring my body beyond repair by stuffing it with unnecessary food & calories? How could I ever get over hating myself for treating people close to me like complete and utter crap? How could I sleep at night knowing I was really not the best mother I could have been to my boys for quite a number of years? Those were big questions. Hard questions. I’m thankful I don’t have to face them any more.

Today, most of my regrets or feelings of self-loathing center around the central theme of forgetting that I am human.

“Look at that mistake you just made! How could have you have done that?”

“You have a lot of harsh opinions and feelings about certain people. What’s wrong with you?”

“Wow. You really dropped the ball on being a good parent in that instance. You suck.”

In all of these – and many other – instances, I need to forgive myself for being human. I need to remember that I’m supposed to make mistakes. It’s how I learn. It’s how I grow. Of course, it’s not always easy to remember, or even believe, that my mistakes are okay. But, they are. And eventually, after lots of hindsight, I recognize just how okay they really were. It’s awesome when I get to the other side of things and see how my God was working in my life.

I meant to post this yesterday, but didn’t like how I wrapped it up. I wanted to edit and finish it last night, but never got around to it. And I was thinking about this post some and realized there’s another thing I need to forgive myself for: pushing myself too hard. I’m injured right now and going to physical therapy to recover. My tendency is to get mad at myself – and my body – for being out of commission. The truth is, it’s out of commission because I forced my body to do more than it was ready to. Hopefully I can learn the lesson I need to here and not do this again. In the meantime, I need to work on forgiving myself for treating my temple so harshly. Right now, I’m still kind of mad. Mad that I can’t force my body to do what I think it should be able to do. Mad that I think I can force myself to do more than I’m capable of doing.

It’s time to get quiet and still and start honoring my body and its limits in a mindful way. This weekend I’m going away on a retreat, and while today that feels overwhelming (packing, planning my food, getting to the airport, etc.), I know that it’s exactly what I need. Time for stillness. Time for reflection. Time for peace. My batteries are depleted and in need of a serious recharging. Hopefully that happens while I’m there.