Whatever I Feel LikeGosh!

This weekend we were at Wal-Mart purchasing a new microwave. The cashier was having a hard time ringing the appliance up – every time she scanned in the bar code and serial number, the register gave her an error message. At first the cashier decided she was scanning in the wrong bar codes, so she tried different ones on the box even though the ones she were scanning were clearly labeled. It wasn’t long before she got frustrated and after each error message on the register, she’d go back to the machine and start hitting the clear button furiously. She was hitting the button so hard it apparently sent a notification to the front line supervisor who came out with a portable device in hand to remedy the situation.

The supervisor saw the cashier beating on the register and yelled out, “Nancy! Don’t hit the keys so hard! You’ll break the register.” At this point, I got the giggles. I actually spent the rest of the day periodically mimicking the supervisor by yelling out, “Nancy!!,” for no good reason. Each time, I would crack up laughing at the incongruity of the whole situation at the store earlier.

The next day, though, it dawned on me: I’ve certainly been guilty of “being a Nancy” in the past. It’s easy to see where I’ve used brute physical force repeatedly in misguided attempts to make something work. I’m not the most mechanically-inclined person in the world, so I’ve definitely had my share of those actions. But there are other emotional behaviors I saw paralleled when I took time to reflect on a deeper level.

The main idea, of course, is the whole definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. How many times have I tried a diet thinking this was the one that was going to work? How many times have I tried to change people by repeatedly saying the same things to them? How many times have I procrastinated, telling myself that it would be no big deal to get it done later? Lots and lots and lots of times. Thankfully I’m engaging in those behaviors less and less these days and my life is being restored to sanity.

As an outsider, it was easy to see Nancy’s behavior as insane. She clearly was not going to get a different result the next time she scanned both bar codes then went to her register to abuse the keyboard again. I’m not sure how much longer she would have kept trying the same method if a supervisor didn’t intervene, but I think she would have stopped and reassessed the situation to think of a new solution before long.

It’s not as easy to see when we’re engaging in this type of insane behavior emotionally, though. Especially when we’re the ones doing it. I can spot this pattern pretty quickly in others, but not always immediately in myself. It’s not fun or easy to notice ugly behaviors about ourselves – and I think that prevents a lot of honest self-appraisal. Who wants to admit they’re participating in emotional insanity? It’s not usually one of my favorite things to do. Thinking about the metaphor of Nancy banging on the cash register, though, makes it a bit easier for me to admit my own faults. I can catch myself trying to control someone through my words or actions and then visualize Nancy attacking her machine to make me smile. For me, it’s a kinder, gentler – yet powerful – way to remind myself to take a step back.

Today’s lesson for me is: Don’t Be A Nancy. I want to recognize when I’m trying to force an outcome or repeating a behavior that is clearly not beneficial to me or anyone else. I don’t want a “supervisor” to have to come and correct my actions, so I’m going to hold the Nancy image close to my heart as a loving reminder lesson.

I’m dusting off the ole blog here to acknowledge an important milestone. Today I celebrate 7 years of sobriety and freedom from compulsive over/under eating. When I started on this journey 7 years ago, I had no idea how much my life would change for the better. The only thing I knew was that I couldn’t stop eating and gaining weight and that I needed help.

I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to maintain a program of recovery to keep abstaining from all those sick behaviors I engaged in for so many years. I’ve got a very powerful Higher Power and an incredible network of friends who are walking this path with me. Together, we’ve all made it possible.

I treated myself with extra care today just as a way to commemorate and also as a reminder that today I need to always practice self care. Here’s a list of things I did:

• Finally broke out that Free Drink card at Starbucks on my way to work – Decaf Venti Americano, baby!
• Prayed and read from my daily meditation book
• Savored my breakfast and lunch, relishing how much I truly do enjoy the tastes of my nutritious food
• Brewed myself some Seattle’s Best Organic Twilight Decaf in the French press this afternoon (apparently coffee is a treat for me!)
• Called someone who is struggling with alcohol on my way home from work
• Made dinner for me and the boys (Rob had to work late) and enjoyed the dinner conversation with them
• Made breakfast for Rob & I for the last day of the week (we did 4 days already on Sunday)
• Packed my breakfast and lunch for work tomorrow
• Took a long, long, long hot shower
• Gave myself a hot oil treatment on my hair
• Put my pajamas in the dryer before putting them on. Bliss.
• Slathered moisturizer on my face & neck
• Loved on my doggie

I also plan on taking myself to bed early to read a bit before going to sleep because I need to get up earlier than normal.

Here’s to another 7+ years of continued recovery from alcoholism and compulsive eating… and all the rewards that come with those things. I never knew life could be so happy, joyous, and free!

Thanksgiving is a great time to stop and think about what I’m grateful for. I listed a few things in my last post, and as a rule, I say a small gratitude prayer every night before I go to bed. While I am so extremely grateful for my family and friends and all the things on my list, I have to say that one of the biggest things I continue to be grateful for is my abstinence from compulsive overeating.

Yesterday was my 7th Thanksgiving in a row where I didn’t overeat. Instead, I ate exactly what was on my weighed and measured food plan just like I do on any other day. I have to tell you – it felt great. I loved being able to remain comfortable in my clothes and in my skin, and yet still be satisfied.

I love knowing that no amount of food – no matter how tempting – is worth eating when it just destroys my sanity and self-esteem.

I know if I would have indulged in any of the foods that were not on my food plan that I wouldn’t have stopped there. I would have over-indulged for the Thanksgiving meal itself and then kept on going throughout the night and probably on to the next day. In fact, I’m honestly not sure when I would have stopped. That’s my cross to bear: I can’t stop once I start eating foods that are problems for me.

I’m so extremely grateful that I’ve been given the willingness and ability to refrain from eating problem foods today. What a new way of life!

I have a weigh-in on Monday (I weigh every first of the month) and it’s barely even a blip on the radar because I don’t have the whole “holiday eating factor” to take into account. Thank you, God!!

I got my first flu shot this year. Prior to getting it, I polled everyone I knew. “Should I get the flu shot? My workplace is giving them free to all employees.” With the exception of just a few, the response was overwhelming: get the shot.

Well guess what? The majority rule are a bunch of dummies. Two weeks from the day I got that shot, I came down with the flu. It’s been two weeks since I came down with the flu and I’m still recovering. It’s been a rough month.

An aggravating result of getting the flu was the setback of my physical therapy progress. My neck and shoulders are now back to the level of pain and loss of range in motion I was experiencing 6 weeks ago. It’s pretty frustrating. It’s been 3 months since my accident. I never would have thought I’d still be feeling the effects all this time later. It’s changed my quality of life without a doubt.

Anyway, this week is Thanksgiving, and I need to focus on gratitude. I do have much to be grateful for in my life and so I’ll end this post with a gratitude list – something I haven’t done nearly enough lately.

I’m grateful for:

• the pain in my neck, shoulders, and back – for it means I’m not paralyzed
• my physical therapist – he is great at what he does and has an engaging personality. I enjoy my visits.
• my sponsor – she reads my lengthy emails and listens to meandering phone calls moaning about my life’s problems and responds with love and tenderness
• the women I sponsor – they remind me on a daily basis what a gift and miracle recovery from addiction is
• my job – it’s definitely not something anyone can take for granted in these economic times
• Rob’s job – he went 8 long months without one, so we definitely appreciate him being employed now
• my immediate family – I love all three of my guys so much. The boys are so funny and different from each other, and Rob is always such a loving supporter.
• My extended family – between my parents, my siblings, my nieces & nephews, and inlaws, I’ve got a full plate that provides me with a lot of joy most of the time.
• Facebook and the resulting rekindling of friendships from my youth
• the Internet, TV, and books – my three main sources of entertainment
• Music – I’m not much of a musician, but my life has always been surrounded by music in one way or another and without it – I start to wither.

I suppose I could go on for a while, but those are the things that are really present for me today. What are you grateful for?

After decades of yo-yo dieting and being a slave to the scale, I’ve spent the last 6 years in a much more moderate place. Finding recovery for my food addiction changed so many things about the way I live – one of which is how often I step on the scale. These days I weigh myself every first day of each month – no more, but sometimes less (when I forget). My reasons all have to do with moderation and sanity.

I need to know what I weigh on a regular basis so that I don’t have the opportunity to get into denial about my size. Believe me, I’ve spent lots of time there. “These jeans must have shrunk in the dryer!” I also don’t need to know how much I weigh on a daily, hourly, minute-ly basis. Otherwise I’m not only spending my precious time obsessing, but I’m also completely off focus and not on good spiritual grounds. I want to have a nice normal body size, but I do not want it to be the only thing I think about.

Anyway, this month I completely forgot to weigh myself on the 1st. I think a good part of the reason for that was how overwhelmingly busy and distracted I’ve been the past two weeks. However, I think part of it is because I’m really spending a lot less time thinking about how I look. This is huge progress for me because I’ve spent the majority of my life worried about what I look like. Today I’d rather be beautiful in thoughts and actions than in outside appearances. What a concept. Of course, I’ll take the outward beauty, too – don’t get me wrong.

Once I realized I forgot to weigh myself, I decided to do so the following morning – which happened to be today. I got on the scale this morning and discovered that I gained 4 pounds in the last month. Ack! How did that happen? The weird thing is my clothes all fit the same (if not looser), and I don’t feel like I’ve gained any weight. I actually thought I might have lost weight this month. I did quite a bit more exercise this past month than I’ve done in recent memory (which wasn’t hard to do considering my sedentary lifestyle!). Is it really true that muscle weighs more than fat? Is it possible the weight gain can be attributed to that? The miracle is that I didn’t freak out when I saw the number. There have been times when full days have been ruined by the number on the scale going up. Today I know that I am okay and that I don’t look any different than I did the minute before I stepped on the scale and thought I was looking pretty darn good for a 38 year old mom of two. :-)