I’m trying out this 30 Days of Truth thing. Today is day 6. You can see where it started here.
Day 06 — Something you hope you never have to do.
Eek. As yesterday’s post mentioned, I could probably fill this topic with pages of things. There are a lot of things I hope I never have to do – chiefly surrounding tragic events involving my family – that I don’t dare even mention.
Something that’s not quite as scary, yet still terrifying in its own right and something I hope I never have to do: tell my sponsor I relapsed. The thought of it sends shivers down my spine. I’ve even had nightmares where every detail of this scene played out in vivid, full-color detail before my dreaming eyes. I usually wake up in a panic, soaked with sweat, and filled with dread. Once I realize it was just a dream, relief floods in.
I know lots and lots of people have relapsed and lived to tell the tale. Most even share how it was the best thing that ever happened to them as it brought them to a new level of surrender and recovery. My fear is that if I go back out there – even if just briefly at first – I’ll never get back to where I was. I’m afraid that the 300-pound girl I left behind 8 1/2 years ago is just waiting for my return. Terror strikes when I think about going back to not being able to stop drinking, when my whole day consisted of nothing but thinking about how I was going to get that drink or that container of ice cream. I’m afraid the disease of addiction, once it gets its nasty claws around me again, will never let me go and I’ll be stuck in hell for the rest of my days on this earth. Dramatic? Yes. But, so painfully true.