Whatever I Feel LikeGosh!

After decades of yo-yo dieting and being a slave to the scale, I’ve spent the last 6 years in a much more moderate place. Finding recovery for my food addiction changed so many things about the way I live - one of which is how often I step on the scale. These days I weigh myself every first day of each month - no more, but sometimes less (when I forget). My reasons all have to do with moderation and sanity.

I need to know what I weigh on a regular basis so that I don’t have the opportunity to get into denial about my size. Believe me, I’ve spent lots of time there. “These jeans must have shrunk in the dryer!” I also don’t need to know how much I weigh on a daily, hourly, minute-ly basis. Otherwise I’m not only spending my precious time obsessing, but I’m also completely off focus and not on good spiritual grounds. I want to have a nice normal body size, but I do not want it to be the only thing I think about.

Anyway, this month I completely forgot to weigh myself on the 1st. I think a good part of the reason for that was how overwhelmingly busy and distracted I’ve been the past two weeks. However, I think part of it is because I’m really spending a lot less time thinking about how I look. This is huge progress for me because I’ve spent the majority of my life worried about what I look like. Today I’d rather be beautiful in thoughts and actions than in outside appearances. What a concept. Of course, I’ll take the outward beauty, too - don’t get me wrong.

Once I realized I forgot to weigh myself, I decided to do so the following morning - which happened to be today. I got on the scale this morning and discovered that I gained 4 pounds in the last month. Ack! How did that happen? The weird thing is my clothes all fit the same (if not looser), and I don’t feel like I’ve gained any weight. I actually thought I might have lost weight this month. I did quite a bit more exercise this past month than I’ve done in recent memory (which wasn’t hard to do considering my sedentary lifestyle!). Is it really true that muscle weighs more than fat? Is it possible the weight gain can be attributed to that? The miracle is that I didn’t freak out when I saw the number. There have been times when full days have been ruined by the number on the scale going up. Today I know that I am okay and that I don’t look any different than I did the minute before I stepped on the scale and thought I was looking pretty darn good for a 38 year old mom of two. :-)

I’m so over both of my kids.

Rob and I have had an ongoing disagreement for months (years?) about this one issue and I think it’s taken him being away for a week for me to see things his way. Rob insists that the boys do not do enough around the house as far as cleaning up after themselves, lending a helping hand and pitching in when needed. I’ve maintained that they are only kids once and that as a kid I was messy and self-centered, etc., too.

This week, though, I reached my breaking point. I think things have been exacerbated because I had to go away for two weekends in a row and Rob was gone the entire time (I’m also realizing just how much Rob does around here!). The kids did not help me out one little bit. Even their normal chores were ignored until they were told repeatedly to get them done. I’ve long been a fan (in theory, at least) of saying something once and then if it’s not done dishing out consequences. I haven’t been so good with following my own advice/beliefs this week. It’s been rough just trying to take care of everything I need to for myself - between work, physical therapy, and meetings, and going away twice, I’ve been pretty swamped. Throw in the pets, taking care of my food, packing, laundry, dishes, and keeping the house kept up all on my own with virtually no help from the kids (who, by the way were busy making more messes) and you’ve got one worn out, pissed off, frazzled Amy.

Something happened on Friday, though, that absolutely pushed me over the edge. I packed my suitcase for my trip and told the boys to do the same. Even though they were told to pack on Thursday, they both chose to do so on Friday. That was a battle I decided I didn’t want to fight. I figured if they didn’t have their bags packed by the time we needed to leave on Friday, they’d wear the same clothes all weekend. So. On Wednesday and Thursday I had the boys do their own laundry (I’m dealing with the after-effects of that tonight - but that’s another story) and Aric’s clothes were still mostly in the laundry room on Friday. There was a suitcase sitting on top of Grace’s kennel in the laundry room that I used to pack my stuff in. After I was all packed up, I took the suitcase and placed it in the front hallway close to the door.

When Aric finally decided to pack his bag, he came storming downstairs in a huff wanting to know why I used the suitcase in the laundry room. He had that particular suitcase ready to go for his stuff, he tells me. I guess his plan was to pack his bag directly in the laundry room. I let him know that he didn’t really need a suitcase to go to his grandmother’s house for 2 days, but he was pretty adamant. I knew there were other suitcases so if he wanted to use one of those, he was free to do so.

Not too long after his bag was packed, I told him and Connor to load up the car with their belongings. When I came upstairs I noticed my suitcase was no longer in the hallway. I was pleasantly surprised. Aric packed my suitcase, too?! That was definitely unexpected. I mentally patted myself on the back for raising such a courteous young man who knew how to take care of his mother while his father was gone even if he was mad at her.

We drove over to my parents’ house and I had the boys unload the car of their belongings. Once they were done, I went to check that they had everything and noticed there were no suitcases in the car at all. My suitcase was not there.

“Where’s my suitcase?,” I cried to both boys as they stood staring at me slack-jawed on the curb.

Both shrugged their shoulders and said, “I dunno,” as they walked into the house, my dad trailing behind them shaking his head.

So here I had a 3 hour trip ahead of me that just grew by another 30-45 minutes. Even better - it was now ominously close to rush hour. I left without saying goodbye. When I got back to the house, I found my suitcase thrown haphazardly on the laundry room floor. That little shit. I spent the weekend nursing a resentment against both of them. And for the first time ever, I was away from the boys overnight and I did not miss them. Not even a little bit.

I know Rob is feeling frustrated since he’s 2,500 miles away and can’t help me out. However, I bet he’s also almost grateful that I’m going through this pain because it’s propelling me to change. My views towards the boys and their lack of contribution to the household has done a complete 180… and my actions are right behind. No more Mrs. Nice Mommy. I’m also looking forward to being more on the same page as Rob with this. I hated that there was a chasm between us whenever this issue arose, but I honestly didn’t feel their behaviors were a problem. I guess I needed to deal with them on my own for a while to truly see.

My boys are good kids, don’t get me wrong, but they sure are self-centered, lazy, and slovenly. I don’t know if changing how I parent them will change them internally; I’m hoping that they can act themselves into right thinking where this is concerned by me forcing their hand with their actions. And if they don’t, at least there’s more peace between Rob and I - and less work!

I hope to write a proper update tomorrow. Just wanted to stop in here real quick and state for the record that I’m overwhelmed. Rob is out of town for his new job (yay for the job! boo for being out of town for 12 days right off the bat!) and the timing is pretty sucktacular. I had to cancel my chiropractor appointments for the time being and will have to cancel my PT appointment for tomorrow, too. I have another commitment tomorrow night and I don’t want to work all day, come home for 30 minutes to wolf down some dinner then head to two appointments, not arriving home until after 9pm. I’m also going away this weekend and I’m trying not to stress about that. My parents will come pick the boys and Grace up on Friday and I know they’ll be taken care of, but I have to make sure all 4 of us have all the items we’ll need for the weekend some time this week.

Tomorrow is Aric’s birthday. Thankfully we already had his party, but I still want to make his day special some how. I have a sign to put up so he’ll see that in the morning. Still need to do that.

Tonight I got home from work and Aric wanted to go out to eat. I already had plans to get to the grocery store - oh crap! I have chicken to go into the crock pot tonight that I forgot about until now! - so we went to dinner then the grocery store. By the time we got home, it was 7:30. I put the groceries away and then came down to the computer to write my weekly post on the Pure Amazing Race blog. Then I had to write an agenda for a committee I’m chairing at the Assembly I’m attending this weekend. And now I’m taking 2 minutes to write this. Why? It’s close to 10pm and I clearly have no time.

Calgon take me away!

I’ve got more medical stuff to post about today. I hope this isn’t a sign of aging and is merely a product of my life circumstances right now. I’d hate to be one of those people who never has anything to say unless it’s complaining about medical issues. Somebody slap me if I start to go there.

With that being said… I went for my second PT appointment tonight. It was much needed after a stressful day. Hmm, maybe I need to write about that. Anyway, the visit started out with an application of heat which was pure bliss, then he moved onto the soft tissue massage which also felt great. Afterward, I sat up to do some neck exercises and then he had me stand to do some exercises with my arms/shoulders. When he saw how little range of motion I had in the left shoulder he was a little floored. We talked more about my calcific tendonitis and he said that I’ve got a frozen shoulder. WTF? I knew I was going to have to address the shoulder issue eventually, and he pressed me on that, but said that it would be best to wait right now. Once the neck is all cleared up, then we can go to the shoulder. He is afraid if we try to treat the shoulder right now that it will aggravate the neck. Plus, the car insurance is paying for the neck treatment, but the shoulder is a pre-existing condition so I don’t want to try to figure that out either.

Anyway - about the rest of my day. I woke up a bit late (note to self: double check alarm time) and then did my thing getting my food and self ready to get out the door by 7. On the drive in to work I take 3 phone calls from sponsees - usually the bright spot in my morning. Once I hang up with them, I either jam to the radio or listen to a book on CD so by the time I get to work I’m wide awake, in a great mood, and raring to go. Today, though, I got 2 more phone calls that messed my routine up a bit. The first one was from my friend who is going on retreat with me this weekend (ahhhhhh, retreat, oh how I need thee) to discuss the menu there. I’m a little stressed about that because we’re having the retreat at a different place this year and the person in charge of the menus eats a lot of things that I don’t, so she just doesn’t get it about making sure food is not marinated, cooked in oil or butter and that we need to have more starch choices for lunch besides bread. So, that was one stressor.

Then my mom called. She said, “We’re still at the hospital.” I was surprised because I didn’t know they had been to the hospital at all. It turns out she sent me an IM last night, but I didn’t turn my IM on so I never got it. My dad was in a lot of pain (he’s got kidney stones), so they went to the ER. Our phone call got cut off, so I went into work not knowing exactly what was going on. Thankfully my brother called a short while later to get me up to speed. The bottom line is - they tried to find the stone and take it out surgically today, but they couldn’t locate it. So they placed a stent in there and then also had to put him on a catheter for blood in the urine. He has to stay overnight for that issue; if it’s cleared up in the morning, he can go home. I feel bad for him.

Right after my brother called, Rob called. He starts his new job on Monday. In Montana. Okay, his job itself won’t be in Montana permanently, but he does have to fly out there to meet the people he’ll be working for, with, and those who will be working for him. He also has to travel to Texas and will most likely be gone 10 days. What a way to start!

Aric’s birthday is October 1st and I’ve already been feeling guilty because I will be away this weekend for retreat and next weekend for another assembly, so we were going to schedule his birthday party for next Sunday afternoon once I returned. Now, though, Rob will be gone, so I’m not sure what we’re going to do exactly. I’m sure we’ll figure it out, but this morning everything all together just felt so overwhelming. Oh! About Aric’s birthday: we got him the best birthday present ever. I’ll post about that in the next day or so, so stay tuned.

In other news, I got my hair cut the other day - she took about two inches off the length. I love that it’s more bouncy, but I’m seriously considering going even shorter. I want more of a bob, I think. Is that totally out of style? I also dyed my own hair last night - first time I’ve done that in a long time! Ever since I screwed up a dye job, I’ve been afraid to do it on my own, but I couldn’t get an appointment for over 2 weeks and I didn’t want to wait that long. The color looks pretty good, I think - very natural. I have the camera with me in my bag for work, but I just haven’t had the time to take a picture yet! Maybe tomorrow.

I started physical therapy for my neck and shoulder pain caused by the accident tonight. I seriously didn’t think I’d even get as far as needing physical therapy for an accident where I started out sitting at a stop light. But here we are one month to the day after the accident and I would have crawled into that physical therapy office tonight if I had to. Today was a bad pain day. I just couldn’t get comfortable no matter what I did the entire day.

When doctors or others ask me to describe my pain, I mostly say, “It’s just sore. And throbbing. And my head feels like it’s too heavy for my neck.” I usually get the sympathetic nods where the emotion doesn’t continue all the way through to the eyes. I can tell they’re thinking I’m either a whiner, a big baby, or just in this deal for the insurance money. After I’ve been examined, though, every single professional I’ve met with has changed their tune. Tonight was no exception. The therapist was genuinely surprised at how much tension, strain, tightness, and spasms were going on in all of my neck and shoulder muscles. I always feel so validated after an examination. It’s not just all in my head!

Tonight’s visit consisted mostly of the primary evaluation. I had to do some simple exercises and movements while he measured the range of movement and pain levels with each. Once that was done, I got to lie on the table while the therapist felt around the whole neck area to get an idea of the damage. He was most surprised at the damage/tenseness in the muscles in the front on my throat. After the exam, I got to sit in a chair with an ice pack and a TENS unit on my neck. That felt pretty weird.

Now I get to go for therapy 3x a week until I start feeling better, at which time the visits will taper off.

I really, truly enjoyed my visit there tonight. Everything was explained to me in simple terms about the injuries as well as the treatments and the people there were just genuinely nice. They’re also going to work me up to a strength training regimen once the initial recovery period begins; I’m looking forward to that. I’ve got some serious Olive Oyl arms going on - I need to get myself into shape! I might be thin, but I’m so out of shape it’s not even funny. Maybe this whole ordeal will be the beginning of me taking complete care of my body. I’ve got the eating part down - now it’s time to get physical. ::Cue Olivia Newton-John::